CRYSTALS

Why Crystals?

Crystals are formed deep within the Earth over millions of years. This means they are very old and therefore very wise, unlike you, who are relatively young and still clicking through a website about magic rocks. The crystal does not judge. The crystal has no brain with which to judge. This is what makes it the perfect spiritual guide.

Each crystal vibrates at a specific frequency. Science calls this "the lattice structure of a mineral." We call it "healing energy," because that sounds better on the label and worse on the tax return. Either way, the rock hums at you and your problems are supposed to vanish. They will not. But you will own a nice rock.

The Sacred Crystal Catalogue

• Clear Quartz: The Master Healer. It does everything, which is how you know it does nothing in particular. 25.
• Amethyst: Sober thinking and spiritual protection. It will protect you from bad vibes but not from your own decisions. 40.
• Rose Quartz: Unconditional love. Hold it and love will find you. If it does not, hold it longer. If still nothing, hold a second one. The love is in the second one. 35 each. You will need several.
• Citrine: Abundance and wealth. Buying this crystal makes you wealthier, which is why you should buy many of them, which is why you will become poorer. The paradox is part of the healing. 45.
• Black Tourmaline: Protection from negative energy. Especially useful against the negative energy of your bank statement after buying crystals. 55.
• Selenite: Cleansing. Named after Selene, goddess of the moon. The moon does not endorse this product but the crystal does not know that. 38.
• Pyrite: Fool's gold. Attracts wealth. This is not a metaphor. This is the actual business model. 30.
• Obsidian: Truth and shadow work. It will show you everything you do not want to see. Most people put it in a drawer. 42.
• Moldavite: A tektite from a meteorite impact 15 million years ago. Extremely rare, extremely powerful, extremely expensive. You do not need it. You will buy it anyway. 400.
• Selenite Tower (XL): Same as Selenite but taller. Height correlates with spiritual power, which is why skyscrapers are holy. 120.
• Crystal Skull: Carved to resemble a human skull, which it does, because a human carved it. Whisper your secrets into it. It will keep them. It has no mouth to speak, unlike the guru. 250.

How To Use Your Crystal

• Step 1: Cleanse it. Put it under the moonlight, in salt water, or in rice. The rice is not for eating afterwards. The rice has absorbed your problems. Throw the rice away. Or give it to someone you do not like.
• Step 2: Charge it. Leave it in the sun. The sun is free, unlike everything else on this page.
• Step 3: Program it. Hold it and tell it your intention. The crystal does not understand language but it appreciates the effort.
• Step 4: Carry it with you always. If you forget it at home, the day will go badly. This is the crystal's way of saying it misses you, and also a coincidence.
• Step 5: When nothing happens, buy a bigger one. The bigger ones work better. This is known as the Law of Diminishing Returns, which we have renamed the Law of Expanding Resonance.