PRAYER

What Is Prayer?

Prayer is the act of speaking words into the void and hoping the void is listening. The void is always listening. The void is a very good listener. The void never interrupts, never judges, and never replies, which are the three qualities of the perfect spiritual leader and also the perfect ex.

Some say prayer does not work. They are correct. Others say prayer always works. They are also correct. The secret is that prayer works retroactively: if your prayer is answered, it was the prayer. If it is not, you prayed wrong, or not enough, or in the wrong direction, or you used last month's prayer which has expired. We update the prayers annually. Old prayers still circulate on the internet. We are not responsible for results from expired prayers.

Sacred Prayers (Use At Own Spiritual Risk)

• The Prayer of Abundance: "Oh universe, fill my cup until it overfloweth, and then fill it some more, and then bring a second cup." The universe appreciates specificity. Mention the cup size. The universe does not understand "venti."
• The Prayer of Protection: "Surround me with white light. Surround my car with white light. Surround my investments, which are not great, with white light." White light is free. This prayer is free. The advanced version, with gold light, is not.
• The Prayer of Love: "Send me the one. Not just any one. The right one. The one who texts back. The one who does not have a star sign that conflicts with mine. The one who has their own crystals." This prayer has a 2% success rate, which is 2% more than doing nothing, and 100% more than doing nothing while also not praying.
• The Prayer of Forgetting: "May I forget that embarrassing thing I did in 2013. May everyone else forget it too. May the internet forget it. May the internet have mercy." The internet does not have mercy. But the prayer is nice. 30.
• The Prayer of Parking: "Grant me a space, close to the door, where I may park without parallel effort." This is the most-answered prayer in the world, which tells you everything about the universe's priorities.
• The Prayer of Not Being Asked For Money: This prayer is not available. It has been redacted by the sacred council. You may not pray for this. Please pray for abundance instead.

Rituals For Every Occasion

A ritual is a prayer with props. The props are sold separately. The more props, the more powerful the ritual. This is known as the Law of Theatrical Resonance.

• Full Moon Ritual: Go outside at night. Look at the moon. The moon does not care, but you feel better, which is the same thing. Burn something. The something should be sage, not a mortgage document, though both are equally flammable and spiritually equivalent.
• New Moon Ritual: Set an intention. Write it down. The paper absorbs the intention. Then lose the paper. The intention is now free in the universe, which is a polite way of saying it is gone.
• Smudging Ritual: Light sage. Walk around your house. The smoke goes into corners. The corners were fine before. Now they are blessed corners. You have improved the corners. The corners thank you. The smoke alarm does not.
• Bath Ritual: Put salt in your bath. Put rose petals in your bath. Put a crystal in your bath. Get in. Soak. Reflect. Drain. The petals clog the drain. The drain is now a spiritual problem. Plumbers do not accept crystals as payment.
• Morning Ritual: Wake up. Say thank you to the sun. The sun has not asked for thanks. The sun is 1.39 million kilometres wide and does not require your gratitude. But gratitude is free and the sun does not mind.
• Emergency Ritual: When something goes wrong, light a candle. When something goes very wrong, light many candles. When everything goes wrong, you have a fire. Fire is the oldest ritual of all and it does not require our guidance or our pricing structure, which is why we sell candles.