The Sacred Art of Knowing Things Before They Happen (And Before You Can Get A Refund)
Prophecy is the ancient practice of telling you what will happen before it happens, so that when it does not happen, we can explain that you misinterpreted the prophecy, which is your fault, not ours. The oracle is never wrong. The oracle's clients are frequently confused. These are different things.
A true prophecy is vague enough to mean anything and specific enough to feel personal. For example: "You will soon face a challenge involving water." This could mean a flood, a plumbing issue, a tearful conversation, or simply that you will drink a glass of water later. The prophecy is already correct. You just do not know which part yet.
Methods of Divination (All Certified, None Verifiable)
- Astrology: The position of the planets at your birth determines your personality. Mars was in retrograde, which explains everything about you that you do not like. Mercury was somewhere, which explains the rest. 90 for a full chart. The chart is a circle with lines on it. The lines mean something. We decide what.
- Tarot: 78 cards, each with a picture. We shuffle, we draw, we interpret. The Death card does not mean death. It means transformation. The Tower does not mean a tower. It means change. Nothing means what it looks like. This is convenient. 60 per reading.
- Runes: Ancient Norse symbols carved into stones. We throw them on a cloth. Where they land is significant. Where they roll off the table is also significant but we charge extra to retrieve them. 70.
- Crystal Ball: We stare into a sphere of glass. We see things. The things we see are mostly reflections of the lamp behind us, but we call them visions. 80.
- Pendulum: A weight on a string. You ask a yes-or-no question. It swings. The swing is determined by your subtle hand movements, which we call "spiritual resonance" because "ideomotor effect" does not sell as well. 45.
- Tea Leaves: Drink tea. Look at the leaves at the bottom. The shape of the leaves reveals your future. The shape is always ambiguous. The tea was free. The reading is 50.
- Numerology: Your birth date contains numbers. We add them together in ways that make no mathematical sense until they produce a single digit. That digit is your Life Path Number. Every number means something good except 4, which means something expensive to fix. 65.
- Dream Interpretation: You dreamt of teeth falling out. This means anxiety. You dreamt of flying. This means freedom. You dreamt of nothing. This means you are spiritually empty and need to buy more crystals. 55 per dream.
