KARMA

What Is Karma?

Karma is the universe's accounting system. Every good deed is a credit. Every bad deed is a debit. The universe keeps the ledger. The universe has never shown anyone the ledger. The universe has never been audited. We find this suspicious but the universe is large and we are small and the argument does not go well.

Some say karma means "action." Others say it means "consequence." We say it means "whatever we need it to mean when explaining why something bad happened to you, and also why something good happened to us."

If something good happens to you, it is because you earned it, probably in a past life you cannot remember, which is convenient for us because we also cannot verify it. If something bad happens to you, it is because you earned that too, in the same past life, which is somehow always your fault. The system is elegant. The system is balanced. The system never blames itself.

How Karma Works (As We Understand It, Which Is Selectively)

• Good Karma: You helped someone. Or you thought about helping someone. Or you did not actively harm someone, which in this economy counts as saintly. Points awarded. The points are invisible. The points do not expire, but they also cannot be checked, verified, or redeemed. They simply exist, somewhere, possibly.
• Bad Karma: You did something. We are not sure what. Neither are you. But something. The universe noticed. The universe always notices. The universe is a very attentive accountant with no social life and an excellent memory for grudges.
• Instant Karma: Sometimes the universe responds immediately. You cut someone off in traffic, you get a flat tire. This is karma. You cut someone off in traffic, nothing happens. This is also karma, but the delayed kind, which is the universe's preferred kind, because it keeps you anxious, which is the universe's entertainment.
• Inherited Karma: Some believe you inherit karma from your ancestors. Your great-grandfather did something questionable and now your lower back hurts. There is no evidence for this. Your lower back hurts because you sit poorly. But "you sit poorly" does not sound as spiritual, and does not sell as many sessions.
• Group Karma: Nations, cities, and apparently your friend group all share karma. This means when your friend does something terrible, it is partially your problem. This is why we recommend choosing friends carefully, or not at all.

Reincarnation: The Afterlife's Refund Policy

You have lived before. Many times. You do not remember any of it, which the universe claims is "for your own good," and which we suspect is because if you remembered, you would ask better questions and buy fewer crystals.

Each life is a lesson. The lesson is different each time, which is how the universe justifies making you come back again and again. You were a philosopher. You were a farmer. You were a beetle. You were someone who also clicked through a website about esotericism and also paid money. The cycle continues. The cycle always continues. The cycle has a subscription model.

• Past Life Regression: Through guided meditation, we help you remember who you were. You were always someone important: a king, a priestess, a healer, a warrior. You were never a tax collector, a turnip farmer, or someone who died of an infected toe at age nine, even though statistically those were far more common. Funny how the past lives are always interesting. The past life is a story. The story is better than the turnip.
• Soul Contracts: Before birth, your soul signed a contract agreeing to the challenges of this life. The contract was written in a language your soul understood but your brain does not, which is convenient, because it means we can interpret the contract for you. We charge a reading fee. We are your soul's translators. The soul does not get a copy.
• Soulmates: You agreed before birth to meet certain souls in this life. This is why you feel a connection. It is also why you feel a connection to your barista. The soul is not selective. The soul is desperate. The soul has been waiting a long time and will connect with almost anyone.
• The Wheel of Rebirth: You are born, you live, you die, you are born again. The goal is to get off the wheel. Getting off the wheel requires enlightenment. Enlightenment requires effort. Effort requires energy. Energy requires payment. We accept all major cards. The wheel does not accept cheques.

Karma Repair Service

You have accumulated karma debt. We can tell. We can always tell. The signs are: you feel tired, you feel anxious, you feel like something is missing, you occasionally forget why you walked into a room. All of these are karma debt. Not human nature. Not lack of sleep. Karma debt. Fixable. For a fee. The fee is karma-neutral, meaning paying it does not count against you, which is the best deal the universe offers and we pass it on to you, minus a small handling charge that is also karma-neutral because we said so.

Your karmic balance is: OVERDUE. Please contact the sacred accounting department immediately. The sacred accounting department is us. We have always been us.